The Latest from Charlie Sheen. Wow [VIDEO]
The insanity came fast and furious. It's hard to believe Charlie doesn't sit up all night writing this stuff. Because if he's just coming up with it on the spot, maybe he really IS the genius he claims to be.
It's not easy to separate this into a logical order, but I'll do my best.
We already heard Charlie's now-famous quote from ABC about being on a drug called Charlie Sheen. Well, he described that drug a little further.
He said, quote, "It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body."
He also talked about why his insane lifestyle hasn't killed him yet . . . quote, "Because I'm me. I'm different. I just have a different constitution. I have a different brain. I have a different heart."
He added, quote, "Dying's for fools. There's certain blends I will not entertain, because that's how people go down. I'm too smart to do that.
"I'm sorry for the guys that happened to, but you know, you should have read the directions before showing up at the party, you know?"
Is Charlie going to relapse? No. Why? He says, quote, "I blinked and I cured my brain . . . 'Can't' is the cancer of 'happen' . . . The Nike slogan doesn't say 'Just Try It.' Just do it, man."
Being clean is quite a turnaround for Charlie, considering how much he had been partying. He says, quote, "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like droopy-eyed, armless children."
He also says he's not ashamed of the partying . . . quote, "I'm proud of what I created, it was radical . . . I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they're never going to otherwise see in their boring, normal lives. I gave that to them.
"I may forget about them tomorrow, but they'll live with that memory for the rest of their lives, and that's a gift, man."
Here's another Sheen classic. The interviewer asks Charlie if he's bipolar. He replies, quote, "Bipolar? I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there, now what?"
Charlie denied that he got violent with either porno minx Capri Anderson in that New York City hotel room, or with his wife, Brooke Mueller in Aspen.
He suggested that THEY were the cause of the trouble, but he refused to discuss why because, quote, "I don't roll people."
He also said he definitely plans to sue over the cancellation of the rest of "Two and a Half Men's" season. He said, quote, "I don't have a job. I've got a whole family to support. And love."
Asked what he's going to sue for, he said, quote, "Tons."
And Charlie denied any anti-Semitism when he called "Two and a Half Men" creator CHUCK LORRE by his Hebrew name, Chaim Levine. And he offered a pretty half-hearted apology.
He said, quote, "I'm sorry if I offended you, I didn't know you were so sensitive. I thought after you were wailing on me for eight years, I could take a few shots back, didn't know you were gonna take your little ball and go home."
On "Today", Charlie said he'll return to "Two and a Half Men", but only for $3 MILLION AN EPISODE. (Charlie currently makes about $2 million, when you factor in syndication and other perks.)
He said, quote, "Everybody thinks I should be, like, begging for my job back. And I'm just gonna forewarn them that it's gonna be everybody else who's gonna be begging me for their job back . . .
". . . At this point because of psychological distress . . . Oh my God . . . it's 3-mill an episode, take it or leave it."
He added that he's currently UNDERPAID . . . adding, quote, "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitchin', a total frickin' rock star from Mars.
"And people can't figure me out, they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain."
Charlie also revealed that he has, quote, "Tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
(Later, on "Piers Morgan Tonight", Charlie said he was JOKING about being underpaid. As far as demanding a raise, he said he didn't necessarily mean it, and everything is, quote, "negotiable.")
He also predicted VICTORY in his battle with Warner Brothers . . . quote, "Come Wednesday morning, they're gonna rename it Charlie Brothers, not Warner Brothers. Duh. Winning."
And he said he expects an apology from CBS . . . quote, "They owe me a big one. Publicly, while licking my feet."
He also took another crack at AA and its supposed 5% success rate. Then he referred to his home as the "Sober Valley Lodge", saying it has a 100% success rate . . . quote, "Its primary client achieved radical success."
Here's some video from "Today":