Lubbock Is Under Attack From an Evil Horde of Invading Fire Ants

Lubbock's favorite little red menaces are back, and they need to die.

Horribly.

Painfully.

Die.

Yes, Ralph, they are itchy. And they suck.

It's that time of year again, and you've probably noticed that mounds of ant hills have sprouted up all over your backyard, which means just one thing:

INVASION!!!

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I think, right now in my backyard, that I must have no less than 50 fire ant mounds that have burst through the crust of the earth in the past two weeks. They're literally everywhere.

Add to that the fact that I have small, stupid dogs who don't know to avoid these landmines, and you've got a recipe for lots and lots of little, painful bites.

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It may be time to call in a professional.

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Okay...maybe not. But we have serious ant-related issues here in the Hub City. All I care about is how to kill them, and then kill them again...without killing the very earth that they have so thoughtlessly invaded.

According to MedicineNet, a simple mix of one part dish soap and two parts water will work to suffocate and eventually kill them. I like that. It's like Ant Waterboarding. The problem I have is that I have so many fire ant hills and don't want my backyard to look like my dishwasher, all foamy and whatnot.

I do have another thought that would also work, which I am seriously leaning towards.

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That's right. Fire -- and lots of it. You can't go wrong with a good, old-fashioned military-grade flamethrower to wipe out a population of millions.

And yes, I know...I seriously need to cut back on my Simpsons references.

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