It is official: these are the end times.

All over Lubbock, true believers woke up Saturday morning (January 30th) hearing their walls creak and various objects being tossed around like balls of cotton, slamming into their Texas Edition Silverados.

One look out the window could only confirm their suspicions: after a long and arduous 2020, which saw the COVID-19 pandemic wreak havoc on all things we hold dear and sacred, this was it, kids. The day we've all heard so much about. It was time to pay for the sins of the world, and we were in the eye of the gale.

IT'S THE RAPTURE!

via GIPHY

Citizens all over began to cover their faces (with COVID-19, we should have done that anyway), gathered their kids, and crammed whatever possessions they felt would make the passage through the pearly gates into the above mentioned Silverado and drove blindly through the maelstrom to their chosen place of worship.

As vehicles streamed into the parking lot of The Love Mountain Sanctuary and 24-hour convenience store, jockeying for position near the front door, a voice was heard through the din: "FORGET THE CAR! IT'S A SUBARU! JESUS DOESN'T LIKE IMPORTS!"

As the doors slammed open, bringing a whirlwind of dust and parishioners, Reverend Gillespie stopped in his tracks, in disbelief at the horde of frightened citizenry, carefully clutching sleeping bags and fanny packs full of cash.

"What's going on here? We don't have services until tomorrow," the Reverend exclaimed.

"CAN'T YOU SEE, REVEREND? IT'S THE RAPTURE! TIME TO BE JUDGED FOR OUR SINFUL WAYS!"

The reverend looked past the gathering and said, "People, it's just the wind. It's just dust blowing around. It's supposed to die down this afternoon. Don't you watch the news?"

"WE HAVEN'T WATCHED THE NEWS SINCE 2017! IT'S ALL FAKE! CAN YOU SAVE OUR SOULS??? LET US IN TO MEET OUR MAKER!"

The reverend was stunned. "No. Go Home. All of you. Come back tomorrow. Now, let me sweep out all of this dust y'all brought in!"

The confused group exchanged confused looks, and then a voice asked: "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Go home. Let me clean this up."

"......is there anyone else we can talk to?"

".............grrrrr."

The crowd eventually dispersed and discussed brunch plans. As for me, I celebrated my freedom.

Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media

Not today, Satan.

(This is a dramatization and may not have actually happened.)

Enter your number to get our free mobile app

5 Things to Miss About Lubbock If You Move Away