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So, it's come to this.

With every other first world problem that we face on a daily basis here in the Hub City --potholes, rising crimes, and surprise appearances from country star Luke Combs, now we have concerns that we're in the midst of an epidemic of avian indifference.

From the newshounds on the Nextdoor app: (name changed to protect the actual author)

Screenshot via Nextdoor
Screenshot via Nextdoor

So, yeah...the birds have abandoned us. How I long for the days when the skies were filled with majestic avian delights who brightened our fair city, and kept us mesmerized with their subtle song.


Yeah, like that.

Let's face it. Birds...are jerks. Like this guy.

Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media
Lance Ballance, Townsquare Media

This winged a--hole actually kept me from getting out of my car at work the other day. I literally had to toss a French fry out of my window to distract him after he screeched at me every time I tried to open the door.

Plus, I'm planning on reseeding my lawn and got this bit of sage advice:

"You better be sure to buy twice as much seed as you think you're gonna need, because them birds are gonna eat half of it before it starts to grow."


So, I need to spend twice as much as I had planned on grass seed because these flying rats want to treat my lawn like it's the buffet at Golden Corral? Yeah, no. Maybe I need to mix in a bunch of uncooked rice with the seed so that these little punks blow themselves up after eating it.

And DON'T GET ME STARTED on the aerial assault on my new vehicle's paint job every time a bird decides to let a poop bomb fly.

Getty Images/iStockphoto
Getty Images/iStockphoto

Yeah, good times. And, good riddance, birds.

So, for the downhearted soul who longs for the song of the whippoorwill over their back fence and laments the dearth of colorful winged beauty soaring above, let me close with this final thought.

Maybe Randy Johnson had the right idea.



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