I've never been known as the most romantic guy around. I mean I'm not bad at it. But let's say I'm not great at it either. So I'm posting this so you can learn from my mistakes. Hopefully.

Yes this is so some of you can learn from my mistakes and NOT repeat them. Whether I've actually done these or not only I know. But be sure that these will make for a bad Valentine's Day for you no matter what.

1. An STD. Don't have those. People don't like them. If you do have one get it fixed. If it can't be fixed look for a Valentine that has the same one and problem solved.

2. Being a serial killer. That makes for a bad 2nd date. If you're some kind of psycho that kills your dates, word will get around and you'll get fewer and fewer dates. At least until you have a permanent date named Bubba in prison.

3. Not being a serial killer anymore. If you were one, and went to to prison and now you're "reformed" it shows a lack of commitment. People going on dates on Valentine's are looking for the possibility of commitment and you've shown you're a quitter. Fail.

4. Leaving dead animal tributes to your loved one. This comes across as creepy and cruel. What if your date is an animal lover? You're going to lose points every time you leave one for them like your cat does. Plus if your date doesn't find them in time they start to smell. And then you look like you don't even care enough to make a fresh kill. Looks weak.

5. Smelling bad. This is the big one. I've been on dates where they knew about my "past" and they accepted my strange proclivities, as it were. But smelling like feet soaked in cheese, or cheese soaked in feet, is always a no-no. Swing by your local fancy department store and use one of their free samples to freshen up. Better yet, use a different sample in different areas like one in one armpit and a different smell in another armpit. And a third one somewhere intimate and then you can play a game like guess my smell or something. Valentine's LOVE playing guess my smell. Try it.

So there are just 5 of the things you could do wrong this Valentine's Day. I'm sure there are others, but if you can steer clear of these 5 at least you're off to a good start. Well, not good start, but a start.

Good luck!

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