Who in Lubbock Doesn’t Want to Poop Like a Champion?

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It's time to clean up out Lubbock, so to speak.

I'm not gonna lie. I want this product. I need this product.

Every once in a while while trolling the interwebs, you come across a product that makes you curious, yet makes you cringe at the same time. And then, there's that sudden realization that you've already entered your credit card information and bought this cringe-y product purely because of its name or joke value. This is my testimonial, and I'm here to share my story. Because I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.

This is a real product.

You too, can POOP LIKE A CHAMPION!

Again, THIS IS A REAL PRODUCT. THAT YOU CAN REALLY BUY FROM AMAZON. Seriously.

I mean, just LOOK at all of these benefits:

"Insoluble to build the fast moving bulk and soluble to scrub out your squeaky clean colon..."

WHICH IS IT???

"POOP LIKE A CHAMPION isn't made to taste great, it's MADE to WORK GREAT!"

Ummm, what DOES it taste like? Cardboard? Motor Oil?

"YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE FROM THE BOTTOM UP."

This may be the most factual statement I've ever read.

Why is it, though, that after I read the advertisement for this miracle product, all I can think of is this emotionally charged scene in film history?

via GIPHY

Yep, That's gonna be me. All. Damn. Day.

via GIPHY

I will admit I'm more than a little nervous that an ad or a breakfast cereal actually has to include some important safety information.

Notice: This food should be eaten with at least a full glass of liquid.

Duly noted.

You can even view an assortment of educational and entertaining videos at the bottom...that are all about your bottom.

Of course, all I can think about now is this amazing Saturday Night Live parody of those healthy cereals (with 30,000 times the fiber of regular oat bran cereals) starring the legendary Phil Hartman.

If you know me, then you now know what you should get me for my birthday: a case of this stuff.

Operators are standing by...