Hi. I'm Lance. And I suffer from an affliction known as, "Janitor Keys".

Never heard of it?Well, it;s when a middle-aged guy like me carries a key ring that is completely overloaded, and includes keys that have absolutely NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER.

This past week, someone saw the pile of keys on my desk, and asked "Did the janitor leave his keys on your desk?" I'm not sure they weren't serious. Hence the name: "Janitor Keys".

Or, "Custodial Engineer Keys".

I have an estimated 13 keys on my ring. 2 keys for my toolbox (which could be somewhere adjacent to the toolbox, as I do NOT need to carry those with me), 2 keys  for the padlock to my storage unit (again, only need one on me), and even a key to my brother's old house in California. Oh, and did I tell you that he SOLD that house a month ago??? Why I still have a key to that, is beyond me. Nostalgia, perhaps?

Image: Lance Ballance/Townsquare Media
Image: Lance Ballance/Townsquare Media

Perhaps its the idea that if we, as guys, don't have these...then we'll be caught unprepared. Which is any guys worst nightmare.When we leave the house, it's a reflex: grab your phone, mask (it's 2020), and your keys. We never want to be caught locked out of somewhere. That's a complete and utter guy fail.

I need help, I need an intervention.

Just...let me grab my keys first.


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